Trigger

A week ago, Jason and I returned from a couple's retreat at Hollyhock, hosted by Robert Gass and Judith Ansara - 'Sharing the Path'. Each time someone asks me how it was, I struggle to answer in a way that would adequately explain the immense power of the retreat, and how it has transformed our relationship.

We decided to attend the five-night retreat as an anniversary gift to ourselves - it's our fifth anniversary this coming Friday. Before the workshop we did the obligatory pre-work, identifying our intentions for the retreat and doing a short independent survey on how we function as a couple.

We thought we'd be given lots of free time to play, enjoy the Cortes beaches, drink wine, read, etc. We were wrong! The night we showed up, we saw the schedule and balked... each day contained 3x 3hr sessions and in the orientation, we were instructed to attend EVERY ONE. There was one single afternoon off and an optional night session following. It seemed more like couple's bootcamp!

But then we got into the circle the first night - 15 couples, all in varying stages of their relationships, some in crisis, some in celebration. Some people were totally in their comfort zone, and some were visibly squirming in discomfort and often it was obvious which partner had talked the other into attending! But somehow, Robert and Judith managed to orchestrate a cohesive gathering of people with a similar goal - to make our relationships the best they can possibly be by taking 100% responsibility for ourselves, our actions and our feelings.

Alongside Judith and Robert, the SWAT team - Sensual Women Assisting Transformation - of three fantastic therapists helped each person navigate through each workshop element. And let me tell you, some of the elements were INTENSE. Each morning we would do something really heavy (picture men crying openly), sometimes with our partners and sometimes with different group members, while the afternoons were usually something a bit lighter to complement.

We talked about playing the victim vs. taking responsibility.

We delved into our manipulative behaviours - think you don't have any? Think again!

We practiced different communication techniques, being present, taking turns broaching difficult conversation topics and coming to resolutions where both sides have responsibility.

While Jason and I have always had an easy time with communicating, we both had significant breakthroughs with identifying the ways we trigger each other. Once we figured out the specific triggers, we went through an exercise to figure out what the trigger stemmed from (our own personal 'core wound') and were amazed to find that many of our triggers all came from the same core wound - which have NOTHING to do with our partners! We also traveled through time to see how the same core wound has manifested itself in relationships past - lovers, friends and family. From there, we learned ways to deal with the real problems in a constructive way.

Do you know what your triggers are? Do you continually react to something somebody does in the same negative way? Your heart rate goes up. You want to yell. You feel like you want to barf. You revisit and replay the conversation multiple times, fuming and stewing. Making up snarky replies hours later. Triggertriggertrigger. Nasty.

Like I said, powerful stuff even for the healthiest relationships. And transferrable outside your marriage too, with friends and family, business associates, everyone!

Night sessions were often broken into same-sex circles to talk (very in-depth) about sacred sexuality, sensuality and how we each came to be the sexual (or non-sexual, for that matter) beings that we are today. Sometimes there was light-hearted instruction, since each of the therapists also happened to be practitioners of Tantra! Sometimes there were sharing circles - all very safe and confidential, all very enlightening. We talked about being 'all-day-lovers', meaning you don't need to have sex to make love. Making a coffee for your partner can be making love. Giving them a foot rub, expressing gratitude, reading together while your feet are touching - all just different ways to make love.

And what workshop would be complete without homework? Well, ours was called 'homeplay' and we were each assigned one hour of pleasuring our partner in any way you felt inclined. Get your mind out of the gutter - it didn't have to be like that! But surely we were given many, many tools if that's the way you wanted it to go!

Sometimes what we did was plain fun. Blindfolded dancing. Massage. Feeding each other dessert in crazy ways. Accompanying Robert's amazing voice and guitar. Sharing circles. Oyster BBQs. Conversation around the dinner table. And of course, just enjoying Hollyhock's beautiful beach, food, hot tub, garden... SO RELAXING, and the perfect environment to cultivate our relationship.

So how has it changed us? We laugh heartily at our triggers. We have a few new tricks up our sleeve to make our everyday lives more sensual. I'm really working on my presence, and am already making a ton of headway. And every week we are committing to the 1-hour of pleasure. I know the retreat was only a week ago, but our relationship feels better and stronger than ever.

On that note, I have to brag - this week my husband lit a fire, put marbles in a Rubbermaid with hot water and left me to soak my feet while I read my book and drank wine. Then he gave me an amazing foot massage. We used to do this kind of romancing all the time... and now, we're baaaaaaaaaaack!